"Like flies to wanton boys,we are to the gods.they kill us for their sport"

Everything in life makes so much more sense now.
"It's not warm and cozy down here and I don't think I can kid myself with it".
I've fallen out of it.The image of life where Life meant family,where it meant love.I think I understand it better now,eventhough in an existentialist sort of way,but I understand LIFE.
Life,is survival.
You're thrown into this world one day,nobody asks you if you want to exist,and you have to survive "life" because ideological and religious agendas are so well bred into you that you believe you have no right to take your life.I'm thrown into this world without my consent and I'm taken out of it without my consent again.
Does it ever occur to us,that we might die at some point in time when we actually want to live life?
Perhaps yes,all of us go through that.
The thing is,I want my life back.I want to live.I want to look at my pictures,like other pictures and see a happy person..but when I look at my pictures,I see someone who isn't happy,primarily because,I can tell my feelings better than you lot.
I had a life,where I had an identity,a family and a boyfriend.
I lost my identity,when I sub-consciously erased the exterior of it.you look at me today and you look at me when I was happy,and you realise how I've used what I am now to cover up what I really am today.
Someone who doesent care about appearance suddenly worries about looking alright,someone who LOVES her long tresses,just gets them trimmed,eventhough she has an extreme fear of haircuts and hair salons.Someone who despises makeup,starts wearing it.
I can kid myself and say,well,I guess I've learnt how to be a girl but no,I've learned how to hide myself behind an exterior.
When I look at myself,I look at a stranger,whos not happy in her life.
My dad is so far away,he is so far away that I might not be close to him anytime soon and I swear I want my father,he's responsible for most of this,but I don't blame him.I guess thats how I love.I love my father,and I didn't realise it untill he was gone.too far away to actually know how he is perhaps,the one person I love the most.
Yes,I think I love him the most,because what I feel for him,I dont feel for anyone else,despite a sense of betrayal.
And with time,I think I'm drifting apart from everyone I love.
I don't know if shery and I will be together.I don't want him to hurt me..and I think If I want that,I'd have to hurt myself.In any case,I'm alone.without him too.
It hurts.
and I have nothing to turn back to,nothing to look forward to,and nobody to hug me right now and tell me its going to be okay,even if they dont believe it.

So then it all comes down to survival.I cant fix anything about my life,I can only survive it,irrespective of the fact that I dont want to survive it.

I guess I'll have to start blogging now :)