"Like flies to wanton boys,we are to the gods.they kill us for their sport"

Everything in life makes so much more sense now.
"It's not warm and cozy down here and I don't think I can kid myself with it".
I've fallen out of it.The image of life where Life meant family,where it meant love.I think I understand it better now,eventhough in an existentialist sort of way,but I understand LIFE.
Life,is survival.
You're thrown into this world one day,nobody asks you if you want to exist,and you have to survive "life" because ideological and religious agendas are so well bred into you that you believe you have no right to take your life.I'm thrown into this world without my consent and I'm taken out of it without my consent again.
Does it ever occur to us,that we might die at some point in time when we actually want to live life?
Perhaps yes,all of us go through that.
The thing is,I want my life back.I want to live.I want to look at my pictures,like other pictures and see a happy person..but when I look at my pictures,I see someone who isn't happy,primarily because,I can tell my feelings better than you lot.
I had a life,where I had an identity,a family and a boyfriend.
I lost my identity,when I sub-consciously erased the exterior of it.you look at me today and you look at me when I was happy,and you realise how I've used what I am now to cover up what I really am today.
Someone who doesent care about appearance suddenly worries about looking alright,someone who LOVES her long tresses,just gets them trimmed,eventhough she has an extreme fear of haircuts and hair salons.Someone who despises makeup,starts wearing it.
I can kid myself and say,well,I guess I've learnt how to be a girl but no,I've learned how to hide myself behind an exterior.
When I look at myself,I look at a stranger,whos not happy in her life.
My dad is so far away,he is so far away that I might not be close to him anytime soon and I swear I want my father,he's responsible for most of this,but I don't blame him.I guess thats how I love.I love my father,and I didn't realise it untill he was gone.too far away to actually know how he is perhaps,the one person I love the most.
Yes,I think I love him the most,because what I feel for him,I dont feel for anyone else,despite a sense of betrayal.
And with time,I think I'm drifting apart from everyone I love.
I don't know if shery and I will be together.I don't want him to hurt me..and I think If I want that,I'd have to hurt myself.In any case,I'm alone.without him too.
It hurts.
and I have nothing to turn back to,nothing to look forward to,and nobody to hug me right now and tell me its going to be okay,even if they dont believe it.

So then it all comes down to survival.I cant fix anything about my life,I can only survive it,irrespective of the fact that I dont want to survive it.

I guess I'll have to start blogging now :)

My life is in tatters.
I dont think im going to uni this year,my house is a mess.my parents are broke,my family is falling apart,my boyfriend is upset about his job,i have to leave my country and i dont know anything about my own life,i dont envision a future.

I just dont want anything,Please God.just keep me with him.i dont want anything from life.

.
.
Nothing else.

I am ENGAGED.

SO,Hira Khan shows up wearing a t-shirt that says "IM ENGAGED",Sarah,(look up archives for info) recently got MARRIED to ali,madame 'n' whos name i canNOT take due to her private issues has gotten rishtofied in the last two weeks.
WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?!
these women,their hardly 19,they're babies forGodsake.Mariam's mom,under societal pressure wants her to get married after a levels.i mean i feel i belong to a RURAL society.its maad!
these people apparently are supposed to be the whos-who of Lahore and these women,the 'babes' and their getting married just after school!
hell.Not that im trying to imply getting married so early or equivalent,is wrong.its okay,i mean..your entitled to get married now,legally speaking but..have you seriously looked at the size of your brain honeypunch?
erm..i dont know,its just weird.not that im not happy for them,sarah is my pal and so are the others but,its just distortive.
All i've been hearing is in-laws,romantic weather,romantic weather,rain,love,in-laws,'distractions, and..the grand finale...BABIES!?
uff..
i think i need something
yeah,i need lums right now,so send me the darned acceptance pleaaase?

else i un-popularise you via my little insignificant blog,who nobody reads?
chalo,i can vent it out atleast.

ALL I NEED IS A COUPLE OF As AND THE RED BRICK BUILDING,



On second thoughts,i could sacrifice all of this for looveee.
ALL WE NEED IS LOVE,AINT IT?

...
..
.i'm beginning to lose it.all
like i ever had it?
uff.
frustrating..

though i migghhht start blogging.
miggght,you see i'm this lonely individual who listens to everyone but cant make people listen to them..yeah.i am very much of that.and i wont destroy this wonderful piece of 'literature' i just wrote with my blabbing.
im a literary something!
yeah baby!

My bestest friend.

You know whos my best friend?since 2005?
its my bloggy.
cause i being the one who everyone can easily take for granted,can actually take THIS ONE THING for granted!!
yaaaay!
thats what true friends are for :p

muah.
i'll talk to you more from now on.i know you love me.
i think i love you too.
but i want you to love me more,i like it. :)

Things to do

• Watch khuda ke liye
• Watch khuda ke liye
• Watch khuda ke liye
• Fail SAT.

Hot topic these days,the lal masjid,jamia hafsa brigade.
Its actually interesting every six months the muslim world lands into one crisis or another.Its actually hillarious,not to forget terribly demeaning and equally frustrating.Why? because the very cause for such 'happenings' are people like the ghazi brothers,haywire ulemas and God knows which interpreters of islam who stand high on their claims and distort the concept of jihad to an extent that isnt even frustrating.its beyond that.
with reference to the lal masjid issue, point number one.

• 
  Jihad in the 'war' sense,is battle of a muslim force against a NON-MUSLIM army,hence jihad against the pakistani govt,nation,not really.Unless you imply that were muslims with an apparently low morale since we dont have raging jihadi fantasies nor the love to indulge in such horrendous displays of muslim unity and revokation of 'true islamic concepts' (penned by OURSELVES,mind you) and resort to portraying Islam through decent talks and negotiations.
  

Point number two.

• 
  Once you have set foot and said your going to jihad infidels like your government and nation,you dont flee burka-clad the moment your at gunpoint.you dont surrender either.if your so true to your cause and so confident in your interpretation (which mind you should have nothing to do with personal benefit),you fight and die,hence are martyred.
  You do not acquire martyrdom via brainwashing people to fight for YOU and if the need arises for YOUR god and holding innocent people hostage and using them as a war strategy.

Its hillarious that such people have the guts to demand a 'safe passage' and surrender (if you dont use the word surrender) asking you to let them and their freaking pseudo-jihadi militants to escape any possibility of judicial arrest or a trial.
and when such people sit and speak from the other end and have done so,since almost a week,there are people who demand for negotiations with them,and even better people who suggest them to be pardoned.
pardoned for what?
For portraying not only the state but the religious community as radical jihadi cum terrorists who are a threat to national security and moreso,world peace?
Pardoned for bringing such dishonour to a sacred religion,moulding its key concepts into something so ugly,so disastrous.the opposite of what it stands for?
PARDON THEM?forheavensake?
Negotiate with people who have God knows how many and who hostage?negotiate with people who turn your goddamned capital city into a living hell?People who have probabbly brainwashed thousands of people worldwide into thinking of your religion and your country a radical killing machine?Who have polluted the name of God and His Prophet?their identity and their teachings?
KILL THEM.i say
kill them,and that too publically and let others like them know they cannot harass the name of this country or this religion.They cannot go around using the name of God to put forth their personal dirty politics or their distorted barbaric brains.
I would have to say I do agree with those who arent in favour of the 'operation' against these alleged leaders of truth.There is little excuse to justify this entire change of a residential area into a battlefeild with gunshots and explosions everywhere,but if this helps to break these people,lets do it.
Lets not only save those inside,but also those who also seem to fall into the same trap of barbarism in the name of religion.
Lets.

i was just reading my description and i realised how untrue it is.
i did have one person id talk everything to.lost them for some time but that doesent mean i never had them.
hmm.
but thats what i thought at that point in time maybe.that i lost them cos' i never had them..yeap.maybe that but its weird because i dont even remember telling them everything about me.
and its even more weird because they remember it even today.all the stupid talk.
heh.

life is beautiful. :)
no points for guessing who the 'them' is :p

.
im so..something i cant think of right now.

The most neglected thing in my life is?
THE BBBBLOOOOGG!
:d..and it isnt THAT bad.
anywhoo.its WARTIME!